Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
What is life?
What is life without a wife.
Where all the pleasure lies between the tighs.
So rise Johnny rise.
Twice the normal size.
And make the tummy rise.
Where all the pleasure lies between the tighs.
So rise Johnny rise.
Twice the normal size.
And make the tummy rise.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking......
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Melbourne or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She Says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
Today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were The first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their Heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said The Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're Going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
Question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your Name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one Was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like That?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're Watch dogs!"
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Melbourne or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She Says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
Today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were The first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their Heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said The Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're Going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
Question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your Name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one Was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like That?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're Watch dogs!"
Monday, November 30, 2009
TOP FOUR ADULT JOKES
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what20happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what20happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
Sunday, November 29, 2009
IDIOT SIGHTING
IDIOT SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one B&D made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I respondedthat 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger thantwo..' We haven't used this tradesman since.. IDIOT SIGHTING:My daughter and I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I gavethe teen a $20 note. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her a fifty cents clunker. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'not really,but this way you can just give me ten dollars back.'She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the fifty cents, and said 'We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.'The teen then proceeded to give me back $9.50 in change. Do not confuse the teenagers at McD's. IDIOT SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our road.The reason: 'Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce. IDIOT SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' IDIOT SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged collegue of mine She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' IDIOT SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear friend. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is funWe should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that animal-in-the-headlights stare. IDIOT SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power board back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her computer would not turn on. IDIOT SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' STAY ALERT! They walk among us... The scary part is that they VOTE, they REPRODUCE, and they live close by.
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