OMG

9 words that women use

Nine words that women use:
1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) 5 Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in ”fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not a permission. Don’t do it!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That’s OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. ‘That’s OK’ means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint; just say ‘you’re welcome’. I want to add in a clause here - this is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” … that will bring on a “whatever”).
(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying F*ck you!
(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it’s true.

Anger Management

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a maniacal voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my theraputic 'asshole'
Calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ..
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said,
'Hello.'

I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me,'

I said,
'Make me,'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
And hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.

ANOTHER AUSSIE CLASSIC !

A woman walks into the Gympie Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard thatquestion a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'llneed all your children's names.'


'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, throughthe oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are theyALL named Terri?'


Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time toget them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her foreheadand says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, andnot the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'

OMG

Whore?

Which One is yours?