Thursday, September 10, 2009
Learn a word a day
The word - beach (bitch)
Where are you?
I'm on the beach (bitch)
The word today is 'beach' not 'bitch'
'I'm on the bitch on the beach' How about that?
Where are you?
I'm on the beach (bitch)
The word today is 'beach' not 'bitch'
'I'm on the bitch on the beach' How about that?
Wife 1.0 vs. Girlfriend 7.0 - Technical Support
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background applicat! ion "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background applicat! ion "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Men in black
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact,' he pointed out , 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all!
They're just three Irish coal miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
Learn a word a day
Teacher: John your left eye is swollen, why?
John : My father Sir, his wasn't in a good mood last night.
Teacher: He wasn't, not his wasn't.
John : I said 'his' did I?
He asked me to sleep early last night, but I refused.
Then he .........lapped me.
Teacher: A simple request, tonight, go to your room, just do what he asked you to do.
John : We have only one room.
Teacher: You can pretend, he just want you to sleep.
At night.
Father : It's time for bed John, good night.
John : Good night dad.
After a while.
Father : Darling, John already sleeping, lets go to bed.
Mother : Ok, dear.
A few minutes after that.
Mother : Oh deaaaaar I'm cummiiiiiiig.
John : (Coming? where has mum been?)
Mum did you go to 7E, did you buy me something?
The following morning.
Teacher : John what wrong with your right eye?
John : Eeeeeeeer..........
(Yes his was not in a good mood, the vocab for today is CUMMING not COMING)
John : My father Sir, his wasn't in a good mood last night.
Teacher: He wasn't, not his wasn't.
John : I said 'his' did I?
He asked me to sleep early last night, but I refused.
Then he .........lapped me.
Teacher: A simple request, tonight, go to your room, just do what he asked you to do.
John : We have only one room.
Teacher: You can pretend, he just want you to sleep.
At night.
Father : It's time for bed John, good night.
John : Good night dad.
After a while.
Father : Darling, John already sleeping, lets go to bed.
Mother : Ok, dear.
A few minutes after that.
Mother : Oh deaaaaar I'm cummiiiiiiig.
John : (Coming? where has mum been?)
Mum did you go to 7E, did you buy me something?
The following morning.
Teacher : John what wrong with your right eye?
John : Eeeeeeeer..........
(Yes his was not in a good mood, the vocab for today is CUMMING not COMING)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The first Catholic
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man chirps, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'
She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and sexy. A perfect 36-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh God!'...."
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man chirps, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'
She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and sexy. A perfect 36-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh God!'...."
Brush mommy's teeth?
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Education class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
"Does anyone know what this is?" she asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"
"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.
"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"
"Does anyone know what this is?" she asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"
"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.
"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"
Small Fuse?
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar.
After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
A Joke From France
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V.Gina
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V.Gina
A Joke From PM
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day.
But only screwing you once a year.
wouldn't you go mad, too?"
"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day.
But only screwing you once a year.
wouldn't you go mad, too?"
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