Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
HOLY COW
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called a famous artist. Describing
what he wanted, the billionaire said,
" I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through General Custer's mind just before he died.
I am going out of town for a week and when I get back I expect to see it completed.
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished product. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo over it's head. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various stages of making love.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this crap" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, I gave you exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for a mural of interpretations of Custer's last thoughts.
The artist replied, " And I'm guessing his last thought was.......
" HOLY COW" look at all those fucking Indians.
what he wanted, the billionaire said,
" I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through General Custer's mind just before he died.
I am going out of town for a week and when I get back I expect to see it completed.
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished product. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo over it's head. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various stages of making love.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this crap" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, I gave you exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for a mural of interpretations of Custer's last thoughts.
The artist replied, " And I'm guessing his last thought was.......
" HOLY COW" look at all those fucking Indians.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
What is life?
What is life without a wife.
Where all the pleasure lies between the tighs.
So rise Johnny rise.
Twice the normal size.
And make the tummy rise.
Where all the pleasure lies between the tighs.
So rise Johnny rise.
Twice the normal size.
And make the tummy rise.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking......
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Melbourne or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She Says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
Today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were The first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their Heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said The Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're Going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
Question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your Name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one Was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like That?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're Watch dogs!"
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Melbourne or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She Says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
Today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were The first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their Heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said The Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're Going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
Question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your Name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one Was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like That?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're Watch dogs!"
Monday, November 30, 2009
TOP FOUR ADULT JOKES
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what20happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what20happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
Sunday, November 29, 2009
IDIOT SIGHTING
IDIOT SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one B&D made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I respondedthat 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger thantwo..' We haven't used this tradesman since.. IDIOT SIGHTING:My daughter and I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I gavethe teen a $20 note. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her a fifty cents clunker. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'not really,but this way you can just give me ten dollars back.'She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the fifty cents, and said 'We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.'The teen then proceeded to give me back $9.50 in change. Do not confuse the teenagers at McD's. IDIOT SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our road.The reason: 'Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce. IDIOT SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' IDIOT SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged collegue of mine She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' IDIOT SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear friend. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is funWe should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that animal-in-the-headlights stare. IDIOT SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power board back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her computer would not turn on. IDIOT SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' STAY ALERT! They walk among us... The scary part is that they VOTE, they REPRODUCE, and they live close by.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Confucius Say: *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch arse should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fart in church sit in own pew. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Person who deletes this has no humor!!! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Now send it to 1 or more people. Nothing will happen but 1 or more people laughing
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Can I Borrow $25? A man came home from work late, tiredand irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at thedoor. SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you aquestion?' DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' repliedthe man. SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make anhour?' DAD: 'That's none of your business.Why do you ask such a thing?' the Man said angrily. SON: 'I just want to know. Pleasetell me, how much do you make an Hour?' DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 anhour.' SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied,with his head down. SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow$25?' The father was furious, 'If the onlyreason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a sillytoy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight toyour room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish....I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.' The little boy quietly went to hisroom and shut the door. The man sat down and started to geteven angrier about the little boy's questions.....How dare he asksuch questions only to get some money? After about an hour or so, the manhad calmed down , and started to think: Maybe there was something he reallyneeded to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for moneyvery often. The man went to the door of thelittle boy's room and opened the door. 'Are you asleep, son?' He asked. 'Nodaddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy. 'I've been thinking, maybe I was toohard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long day and I tookout my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.' The little boy sat straight up,smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!'He yelled. Then, reaching under hispillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already hadmoney, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out hismoney, and then looked up at his father. 'Why do you want more moneyif you already have some?' the father grumbled.. Because I didn't have enough, but nowI do,' the little boy replied. 'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy anhour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like tohave dinner with you.' The father was crushed. He put hisarms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all ofyou working so hard in life. We should not let time slip throughour fingers without having spent some time with those who reallymatter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worthof your time with someone you love.. If we die tomorrow, the company thatwe are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours, but the family & friends we leavebehind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. From my house to yours From my home to yours - enjoy. Please don't break this even if youonly send it to one person. Thanks
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift...
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want
those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their
day!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift...
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want
those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their
day!
Monday, November 23, 2009
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price.'
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish,unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, ismasculine: 'el lapiz.' So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into twogroups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the femininegender ('la Computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computersis incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory forpossible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourselfspending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2.. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
9 words that women use
Nine words that women use:
1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) 5 Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in ”fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not a permission. Don’t do it!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That’s OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. ‘That’s OK’ means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint; just say ‘you’re welcome’. I want to add in a clause here - this is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” … that will bring on a “whatever”).
(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying F*ck you!
(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it’s true.
1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) 5 Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in ”fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not a permission. Don’t do it!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That’s OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. ‘That’s OK’ means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint; just say ‘you’re welcome’. I want to add in a clause here - this is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” … that will bring on a “whatever”).
(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying F*ck you!
(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it’s true.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Anger Management
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
'Hello.'
I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a maniacal voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my theraputic 'asshole'
Calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said,
'Yes, it is.'
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ..
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked,
'What's your name?'
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called asshole #1.
He said,
'Hello.'
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
I said,
'Yeah!'
He screamed,
'Stop calling me,'
I said,
'Make me,'
He asked,
'Who are you?'
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
And hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said,
'Hello?'
I said,
'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said,
'You'll what?'
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
'Hello.'
I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a maniacal voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my theraputic 'asshole'
Calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said,
'Yes, it is.'
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ..
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked,
'What's your name?'
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called asshole #1.
He said,
'Hello.'
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
I said,
'Yeah!'
He screamed,
'Stop calling me,'
I said,
'Make me,'
He asked,
'Who are you?'
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
And hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said,
'Hello?'
I said,
'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said,
'You'll what?'
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
ANOTHER AUSSIE CLASSIC !
A woman walks into the Gympie Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard thatquestion a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'llneed all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, throughthe oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are theyALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time toget them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her foreheadand says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, andnot the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard thatquestion a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'llneed all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, throughthe oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are theyALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time toget them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her foreheadand says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, andnot the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
The perils of English as a second language...
In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A
FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."
Cocktail lounge, Norway : "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN
IN THE BAR."
Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."
Dry cleaners, Bangkok : "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."
In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT
TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,
THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND ALSO WEEKENDS."
In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A
FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."
Cocktail lounge, Norway : "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN
IN THE BAR."
Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."
Dry cleaners, Bangkok : "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."
In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT
TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,
THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND ALSO WEEKENDS."
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
.jpg)
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE
A little old sweet hearted Aboriginal lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young White Gentle Business Man carrying a Vacuum Cleaner.
'Good morning,' Said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of your precious minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old traditional lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!'
and she proceeded to close the door without further shyness ! !.
Quick as a flash, this young strong handsome the white Man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my
"demonstration".
And with that, he emptied a bucket of her own stabled Horse Manure onto her hallway
carpet.
'If this Vacuum Cleaner does not remove all the traces of this Horse Manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old Aboriginal lady stepped back with a grin and Said Happily, 'Well let me get you a spoon, 'Cause
they cut off my Electricity this morning.'
confronted by a well-dressed young White Gentle Business Man carrying a Vacuum Cleaner.
'Good morning,' Said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of your precious minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old traditional lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!'
and she proceeded to close the door without further shyness ! !.
Quick as a flash, this young strong handsome the white Man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my
"demonstration".
And with that, he emptied a bucket of her own stabled Horse Manure onto her hallway
carpet.
'If this Vacuum Cleaner does not remove all the traces of this Horse Manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old Aboriginal lady stepped back with a grin and Said Happily, 'Well let me get you a spoon, 'Cause
they cut off my Electricity this morning.'
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
My deepest condolences..........
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Dog's trick
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, "Can your dog perform other tricks?"
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman."
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog,
'I'll show you how to do it one last time.'
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, "Can your dog perform other tricks?"
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman."
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog,
'I'll show you how to do it one last time.'
Saturday, October 31, 2009
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay, said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
'Same illness, better insurance.'
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay, said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
'Same illness, better insurance.'
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on
the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would
say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper
reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage. The Husband replied:
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained
the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona and took a trip
down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone
too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell
off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said,
"That's once. We proceeded further and her horse stumbled
again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't
gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time
my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot
the horse dead. I SHOUTED at her, What's wrong with you
Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you
frickin crazy?
She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment..... we have lived happily ever after."
the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would
say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper
reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage. The Husband replied:
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained
the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona and took a trip
down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone
too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell
off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said,
"That's once. We proceeded further and her horse stumbled
again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't
gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time
my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot
the horse dead. I SHOUTED at her, What's wrong with you
Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you
frickin crazy?
She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment..... we have lived happily ever after."
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
The time they took away Cherokee Nation.......
Time : 1700 AD
Place : Indian Reservation
Husband:
So many moon come,
I no come,
How come,
Son come?
Wife :
So many moon come,
You no come,
So many white man come,
That's how son come!
Place : Indian Reservation
Husband:
So many moon come,
I no come,
How come,
Son come?
Wife :
So many moon come,
You no come,
So many white man come,
That's how son come!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Get your mind out of the gutter
I will seek and find you .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Where're you from?
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex,
and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' the doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
''Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.
''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to
get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What?!?! You can get pregnant from anal
sex???'
'Of course, 'the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?"
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex,
and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' the doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
''Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.
''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to
get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What?!?! You can get pregnant from anal
sex???'
'Of course, 'the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?"
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thing to ponder..........
MEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips
The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile...
If u have sex 365 times a yr and u melted down all da condoms 2 make a tire what would u call it?
a fuckin goodyear!
Sex is like playing spades. If u don't have a good partner, u better have a good hand.
Big Bad Wolf told lil red riding hood lift ur top so i can suck ur tits. no, she said while lifting her skirt, eat me like the fuckin book says!
A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. the cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said, a wet pussy always makes a cock happy!
Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.
The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile...
If u have sex 365 times a yr and u melted down all da condoms 2 make a tire what would u call it?
a fuckin goodyear!
Sex is like playing spades. If u don't have a good partner, u better have a good hand.
Big Bad Wolf told lil red riding hood lift ur top so i can suck ur tits. no, she said while lifting her skirt, eat me like the fuckin book says!
A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. the cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said, a wet pussy always makes a cock happy!
Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Adult Rated Riddles.....3
What is life.
Without a wife.
Where all the pleasures.
Lie between the thighs.
So rise, Johny rise,
Twice the normal size,
Make the tummy rise.
Without a wife.
Where all the pleasures.
Lie between the thighs.
So rise, Johny rise,
Twice the normal size,
Make the tummy rise.
Mathematics............easy and enjoyable
1) Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example.
Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter
2) Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" o"shoot himself".
3) What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends
4) A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
He said, my strength is my wife.
My weakness is my neighbours wife.
Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when I myself go out
5)Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Slow Learner?
A Compaq technician says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, he asked what else was being done with the diskette.
The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette and rolled it into the typewriter."
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
******
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette and rolled it into the typewriter."
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
******
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
